Alright nerds, it’s time to get real around here. When I’m not busy slamming beers and stealing your girlfriends, I sometimes play video games. As a guy who really knows his stuff, I thought I’d do all you dweebs a favor and tell you which of these upcoming games are worth your time and money. I’ve been convinced by the other dudes around here to use the grading scale to rate these games, so let’s pop those collars and get down to business. This is gonna be boss.
First up, we got this game called L.A. Noire, or as I like to call it, “L.A. Snore”. I love me some Grand Theft Auto, and there’s nothing better than buying hookers and killing cops, so when I was told that the same dudes who made GTA were behind this, I got mad stoked. Then, I found out you played a cop, and solved mysteries. What the eff, yo? I don’t want to use my brain when I sit down in front of the TV, I just want to shoot dudes and all that other stuff. And what’s up with making such a huge deal about faces? Pretty creepy, man. I’m giving this game an S, for Sucks! Deal with that.
Gears of War 3
There’s too much testosterone in this damn game for you pencil neck geeks, so trust me when I say you can’t handle this. Gears of War 3 is all about taking massive guns (with chainsaws) and stomping on other dudes to prove your masculinity (with chainsaws). As a guy who is totally not gay, watching hugely muscled bros pound on other hugely muscled bros in a contest to determine who has the biggest chainsaw gun is right up my alley. Just thinking about this game makes me want to slam a beer and crush it on my head! Bottle, can, whatever, yo. I’m giving this game an F, for Freaking Amazing!
The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim
I’m reviewing this game as a favor to you dorks, so you’d better recognize. I watched that trailer of the guy in the forest and thought this was a game about lumberjacks. Then, that old dude started talking about stuff that I didn’t really understand, and there were dragons and a lot of shots of nature. Do you guys even like playing games, or just looking at stuff that looks pretty? Yeah, we got trees and all that junk…in real life! I guess the sword stuff was pretty cool, but this is obviously for the Dungeons and Dragons crowd. Me, I give titty twisters to the people who play those games. But since I’m nice, I’ll give this a B….for Boring! Psyche!
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
Now this is what I’m talking about. After Gears of War 3, the next Call of Duty game is high on my list of brotasticness. One of my favorite moments of the year is walking into GameStop and laughing at all the little geeks who get out of my way when I go to the counter to get CoD. This used to be your thing, brah, but now it’s ours. I’ll stomp you in real life and in Call of Duty! We’re going to ruin your stupid baby games just like we ruined all the other stuff you like by putting it on workout shirts and covering it with rhinestones. I’m giving this game a D for DEVASTATING. What now, son!
I’m really sorry about that guys, I don’t know where that came from. After playing and not liking Portal 2 that much, I’ve started wearing polos with the collar up and I even bought aviators. It’s like I’m playing host to the Hulk, but instead of becoming green and massive, I turn into a douche. It’s scary.
This feature was obviously for the lulz, as Eddy likes to say, but would you like to see the Gaming Bro come back for a second go-around? What games should he tackle next?