Every now and then, we like to pay a little visit to our good friend, Gamestradamus, the Gaming Fortune Teller. Last year, we asked him his predictions about the Nintendo 3DS, which turned out to be largely true, minus a few small quibbles. Gamestradamus is different than the rest of us lowly gamers in that he is gifted with the ability to see into the great beyond, the ever-future, the swirling blender of time – and he can tell us bits of what he knows.
As the E3 fervor is getting ready to build into complete mania over the next few weeks, we thought we’d pay Gamestradamus a visit to glean his secrets before the rumors broke. What we found was shocking, titillating (tee hee) and worth reporting about here at GamerSushi. Beware, gents. Spoilers.
Here are the parts of our interview I can share:
GamerSushi: Celebrated and eminent Gamestradamus, O sage oracle of gaming tomorrows… How does Sony plan to use E3 to pull themselves out of this pickle?
Bah! You have just traipsed across my mindhole into the burning amphitheater of future memories! There I saw great things, a wondrous golden age of man, where there were no more kittens. I have always dreamed of this day.
But alas, you have spoiled this vision of the unborn present. What were you asking? Oh yes! Sony. Sony will have to bring a great deal of ammunition to this E3 in order to ingratiate their legions of fans back to their black bosom. This will require them to, ahem, “bring out the big guns” as you common quotienters say.
Here are a few things mine temporal eyes have beheld: Metal Gear Solid HD trilogy collection. God of War 4. Playstation 3 price drop. NGP for $250. Final Fantasy XV in 2013 (really it will be 2019). A previously unannounced multiplayer/co-op mode for Uncharted 3. Also, the great one, my nemesis, the quick-witted Kevin Butler will step onto stage wearing a Guy Fawkes mask.
GS: What? Seriously?
Ha! You fell for my slippery antic! That was but a jest, you see. I am working on my new stand up routine. If all goes according to my calculations, I can become a professional by 2025.
GS: Did you see this in your future?
GS: Well then why do you think-
NEXT INQUIRY, GOOD SIR.
GS: Alright, then. Which of the Nintendo Project Cafe/Wii 2 rumors are true?
Oh, you have brought a challenge this time. Allow me to cup my hands lightly around the wrinkled scrote of time… Hmmm… Interesting.
All of the rumors are true. Yet none of them are. You see, everyone has formed a picture of Nintendo’s new current generation console in their minds, and while they are close to the mark, all of them are just slight branches of what the tomorrow realm can bring.
Here’s what I can confirm: Project Cafe will launch in Summer 2012 for $350. Launch titles will include a new Metroid Prime by Retro Studios, Pikmin 3 and a new Super Mario game. Controllers will use a touch screen and Nintendo will finally splash into the online realm. I crossed path with Reggie Fils-Aime in the netherverse, and I saw him practicing his troll speech. Yes, these things will pass.
GS: Will Nintendo’s announcement cause Sony and Microsoft to bring something else to the table to counteract it, or will they just mock Nintendo for finally entering this generation?
GS: That’s not really an answer, but OK. What other surprises should we expect?
Allow me to access my inner secret receptacle… the one that is tied to the galactic neural telenetwork. Hmmm. There are too many surprises to list in their entirety. But I’ll give you a few: New Counter-Strike trailer. New property from Bungie announced at Sony press conference – cross platform MMO for 360, PC and PS3 (if they ever get PSN back up). Halo Wars 2 – for Kinect. Trailer for the next Halo game, due in 2012.
Oh, and Half-Life 2: Episode 3 will be announced. Yes, these things will all come to pass.
GS: OK, hold on. People predict that every year. Eventually it will be right. There’s nothing special about that.
You dare defy my unlocked and unbound mind – my free-roaming stallion of an intellect? My thoroughbred cerebral thinking box that unlocks the mysteries of the deep and ever-expanding universe in all seven of its dimensions? Away with you! I have better things to attend to. Things that use both my waking and sleeping mind! Be gone!
GS: Uh… this is my house.
That’s what the inter-dimensional harlot said!
GS: Alright. We’re done here.
So what do you guys think? What are your predictions about E3 2011? Feel free to do some fortune telling of your own.