Gamestradamus Predicts: E3 2011

Every now and then, we like to pay a little visit to our good friend, Gamestradamus, the Gaming Fortune Teller. Last year, we asked him his predictions about the Nintendo 3DS, which turned out to be largely true, minus a few small quibbles. Gamestradamus is different than the rest of us lowly gamers in that he is gifted with the ability to see into the great beyond, the ever-future, the swirling blender of time – and he can tell us bits of what he knows.

As the E3 fervor is getting ready to build into complete mania over the next few weeks, we thought we’d pay Gamestradamus a visit to glean his secrets before the rumors broke. What we found was shocking, titillating (tee hee) and worth reporting about here at GamerSushi. Beware, gents. Spoilers.

Here are the parts of our interview I can share:

GamerSushi: Celebrated and eminent Gamestradamus, O sage oracle of gaming tomorrows… How does Sony plan to use E3 to pull themselves out of this pickle?

Bah! You have just traipsed across my mindhole into the burning amphitheater of future memories! There I saw great things, a wondrous golden age of man, where there were no more kittens. I have always dreamed of this day.

But alas, you have spoiled this vision of the unborn present. What were you asking? Oh yes! Sony. Sony will have to bring a great deal of ammunition to this E3 in order to ingratiate their legions of fans back to their black bosom. This will require them to, ahem, “bring out the big guns” as you common quotienters say.

Here are a few things mine temporal eyes have beheld: Metal Gear Solid HD trilogy collection. God of War 4. Playstation 3 price drop. NGP for $250. Final Fantasy XV in 2013 (really it will be 2019). A previously unannounced multiplayer/co-op mode for Uncharted 3. Also, the great one, my nemesis, the quick-witted Kevin Butler will step onto stage wearing a Guy Fawkes mask.

GS: What? Seriously?

Ha! You fell for my slippery antic! That was but a jest, you see. I am working on my new stand up routine. If all goes according to my calculations, I can become a professional by 2025.

GS: Did you see this in your future?


GS: Well then why do you think-


GS: Alright, then. Which of the Nintendo Project Cafe/Wii 2 rumors are true?

Oh, you have brought a challenge this time. Allow me to cup my hands lightly around the wrinkled scrote of time… Hmmm… Interesting.

All of the rumors are true. Yet none of them are. You see, everyone has formed a picture of Nintendo’s new current generation console in their minds, and while they are close to the mark, all of them are just slight branches of what the tomorrow realm can bring.

Here’s what I can confirm: Project Cafe will launch in Summer 2012 for $350. Launch titles will include a new Metroid Prime by Retro Studios, Pikmin 3 and a new Super Mario game. Controllers will use a touch screen and Nintendo will finally splash into the online realm. I crossed path with Reggie Fils-Aime in the netherverse, and I saw him practicing his troll speech. Yes, these things will pass.

GS: Will Nintendo’s announcement cause Sony and Microsoft to bring something else to the table to counteract it, or will they just mock Nintendo for finally entering this generation?


GS: That’s not really an answer, but OK. What other surprises should we expect?

Allow me to access my inner secret receptacle… the one that is tied to the galactic neural telenetwork. Hmmm. There are too many surprises to list in their entirety. But I’ll give you a few: New Counter-Strike trailer. New property from Bungie announced at Sony press conference – cross platform MMO for 360, PC and PS3 (if they ever get PSN back up). Halo Wars 2 – for Kinect. Trailer for the next Halo game, due in 2012.

Oh, and Half-Life 2: Episode 3 will be announced. Yes, these things will all come to pass.

GS: OK, hold on. People predict that every year. Eventually it will be right. There’s nothing special about that.

You dare defy my unlocked and unbound mind – my free-roaming stallion of an intellect? My thoroughbred cerebral thinking box that unlocks the mysteries of the deep and ever-expanding universe in all seven of its dimensions? Away with you! I have better things to attend to. Things that use both my waking and sleeping mind! Be gone!

GS: Uh… this is my house.

That’s what the inter-dimensional harlot said!

GS: Alright. We’re done here.


So what do you guys think? What are your predictions about E3 2011? Feel free to do some fortune telling of your own.

Written by

I write about samurai girls and space marines. Writer for Smooth Few Films. Rooster Teeth Freelancer. Author of Red vs. Blue, The Ultimate Fan Guide, out NOW!

9 thoughts on “Gamestradamus Predicts: E3 2011”

  1. Nintendo
    – Will mostly focus on the 3DS, announcing a ton of remakes and sequels to old franchises, but in a shock manoeuvre that blindsides the entire gaming industry, Nintendo announces not one, but two brand new IP’s.
    – Their new console, Wii2, project cafe, whatever, will be on display, and Nintendo will announce a September 2012 release at a price of $US 300. Nintendo of Australia follows this up by saying that despite the current strength of the Aussie dollar against the US (currently $1au gets $1.08us) it will retail in Australia at $425.
    – Also announces a few new games for the original Wii, so as not to completely lose software sales from the so called “casual” audience.

    – Will lose ground from last year, focussing on only 2 games as opposed to last years 5. These will be the new Call of Duty, which turns out to be a literal re-skinning of the original Turok, entitled Call of Duty: Prehistoric Warfare, and Bungie’s new project. Bungie CEO Alex Seropian then proceeds to destroy all Halo fans’ hope and dreams by revealing their new project to be a Kinect title.
    – Speaking of Kinect, buoyed by the peripheral’s strong sales, Microsoft in an attempt to attract more “hardcore” gamers to the system announces that The Force Unleashed III has been secured as a Kinect exclusive. This news goes over…. poorly.

    – Sony CEO’s Kaz Hirai and Jack Tretton open their press conference by appearing on stage together to apologise profusely for the PSN hacking and subsequent shut down. All is forgiven when, in a brilliant marketing decision, they announce that every person who owns or buys a PS3 before July 31st and signs up for the new and improved PSN 2.0 will receive both the Team Ico HD Collection and The Last Guardian free of charge when there are simultaneously released on August 1st. This results in PS3 sales setting a monthly sales record for July.
    – Gabe Newell again appears on stage at the Sony conference to announce the Febuary 2012 release of Half Life 3. Problems arise when the first trailer and gameplay is attempted to be shown, and the only thing that appears on screen is the logo of internet group Anonymous.

    If any of this actually happens – I claim the title of Gamestradamus.

  2. I have a question for Gamestradamus…

    Will Ubisoft show a new Assassins Creed? Where will it take place?

  3. [quote comment=”16325″]I have a question for Gamestradamus…

    Will Ubisoft show a new Assassins Creed? Where will it take place?[/quote]

    Yes. On the E3 stage. 😉

    haha, I think they will, personally, although Eddy and Mitch would know more. I would think maybe in our time..?

  4. There’s a new Assassin’s Creed being announced in May, but no specific details are being given so far. I’m willing to bet that at least part of the game will focus on Ezio, though. I don’t think we’re done with him yet.

  5. Ah, I do love these fearures. Certainly one of the more creative ones.
    @ Mitch, I don’t know about you but I really couldn’t give a shit about Ezio. I really hope they move on. Then, I am just assuming it will be as (in my opinion) unenjoyable as Brotherhood. Maybe a BIG DLC for Brotherhood wouldn’t be too bad.

  6. First of all, “My thoroughbred cerebral thinking box that unlocks the mysteries of the deep and ever-expanding universe in all seven of its dimensions” is blowing my mind[s] and I love you.

    Secondly, no Call of Duty? You knooow they’re going to bring in 40% of the crowd and surprise us with a ModernDuty 5 – Patrolling The Royal Wedding. I heard it has co-op…

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