It’s a well known fact that gamers are a slovenly folk; so much so that we’d rather watch fit, athletic people run around on a screen than do these things ourselves. Well, I’ve got a brand new program that will whip you into shape post-haste simply by copying these classic gaming moves and turning them into exercises:
Number 1: The Sprint from Call of Duty and Battlefield.
What it works: Cardio
We’ve all played at least one of these games, and something that has always stood out to me was the player character’s incredible stamina. You can sprint for great distances, sometimes with only a small break in between. This is why I’m convinced that the marathon pace set by virtual soldiers is something we should aspire to copy. Besides, it will get you to the front of the line for a midnight release.
Number 2: The Teabag from Halo
What it works: Thighs and Gluts.
When some snot-nosed twelve year old rubs his crotch in your face over X-Box LIVE, he’s not taunting you, he’s telling you to get off your ass and move! OK, maybe he is taunting you. Nevertheless, the teabag, or “squat”, is great for toning up that flabby butt that you’ve been sitting on all day. So, whenever you’re getting the Lipton dip from the opposing team, get up and do a few squats. Do it for the Chief.
Number 3: The Barrel Throw from Donkey Kong.
What it works: Triceps and Chest
Before Bowser came and stole his thunder, Donkey Kong was the original bad-ass, stealing Princess Peach and absconding with her to an incredibly dangerous construction site. Maybe he was on a shoe-string budget and couldn’t afford a castle? At any rate, the reason the dude could get away with these shenanigans was because he was straight jacked. How? Reps with a massive barrel, that’s how. While you may not have access to a drum full of bananas, find a nice set of weights and replicate the throwing motion without actually throwing anything. That last part is very important; just ask the repair man who had to fix my wall.
Number 4: The Lift from Super Mario
What it works: Back and Shoulders
Now, this one might be kind of obscure, but stay with me. We all know Mario’s one handy guy, but he’s also got amazing physical endurance. He’s able to carry shells, mushrooms, turnips, crates and princesses over his head, sometimes at the same time. To hold all this junk up, he’d need some beefy shoulders and a strong back to go with them. While he may not look like much, just play a little bit of New Super Mario Bros Wii and you’ll see what I mean. Find something heavy to lift over your head, then try lowering it a bit then raising it back up a few times. Guaranteed you’ll be carrying around royals and various forms of flora and fauna over your noggin in no time.
So there you have it, fellas. The Four Step Gamer Regimen to getting into shape and kicking butt. You’ll be asking for the directions to the nearest alien invasion/kidnapping in no time. If you enjoyed our free opening seminar, then you should be eager to get the whole package for three easy payments of $99.99. More game-inspired workouts coming your way if you want them!