The ruthless bastards loyal readers of GamerSushi have made their voices heard and chosen a game for me to blog about. Sadly, their voices are that of demons from the 6th Circle of Hell, for they have chosen Phantasy Star. In order to properly blog about this game, I have traveled back in time to 1988.
Things were different back then: Michael Jackson was still more black than white, pro wrestling still pretended to be real and the world had no idea who Jar Jar Binks was. One could say it was a simpler, more innocent time. But that person clearly had never played Phantasy Star, a game that some legends claim not to have been made by a team of men, but rather spawned from the loins of Dick Cheney during the pagan festival of Bel Tine. Historians say that Donald Rumsfeld presented a Sega Master System to Saddam Hussein as a gesture of goodwill. Saddam promptly destroyed both items and cut all ties with America, declaring: “Evil like this should not exist”.
So here we go.
Now, I go into this knowing nothing about the game. I played Phantasy Star IV for a weekend when I was a kid, but that’s about it. So I have no idea about plot or game mechanics whatsoever. So I put the disc in ( I am playing this on Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection for the PS3), got myself a Pepsi (Free plug! Sponsorship welcome!) and sat down to play. I am greeted with some pretty bouncy music at the title screen. Maybe this won’t be so tough. START.
Ok, some dude named Nero is getting killed by some soldiers. Apparently, Nero was talking trash about Lassic and is getting killed for it. Oh and Nero is my brother, too. My character’s name is Alis and whoa! I am a hot chick! Sweet. Whoops, brother is dying. He tells me I need to seek out Odin, who will be of help on my quest. Wait, I am on a quest? Don’t I have a funeral to plan, relatives to call and things like that? And you know, for a guy who thinks he is about to die, he is pretty coherent. Maybe we need to get a second opinion. Nevermind, he’s dead. So I am free to explore the town, apparently no memorial service will be held for Nero. Nero, Odin…that’s Roman and Norse mythology in the first minute of the game. I hope Shiva makes an appearance. I enter a building and the perspective changes from overhead to First-Person. Awesome, this is making me seasick and all the walls look the same. I can easily see myself getting all kinds of lost in larger caves. There are no enemies in here and I grab a treasure chest full of mesetas. Apparently, I am in Mexico of the future. So this is a sci-fi/fantasy setting, which would explain the spaceport located to the west of Camineet, the town where I am currently.
A quick check of the stores reveal I can’t afford to even breathe the air inside them. Also, healing items consist of COLA and BURGER. So I guess McDonalds won the space race against Taco Bell. Some guy in town hands me a Laconian Pot and tells me this might help. Help what? Cook something? Do I smoke it and try to forget that my brother just died? How do things like this even come up in conversation? Anyhoo, talking to the locals reveal that Odin was last seen in Scion, a town to the east of here. There are guards keeping me from going to the spaceport right now without a PASS.
About these guards: they look just like Clone Troopers. I mean, for real. Someone needs to sue someone because I freaked right out when I saw a Clone Trooper from Star Wars blocking my way to the spaceport. An idea occurred to me, though. These guys work for the bad guy, Lassic. Maybe I can turn them against him. I looked in vain for an option on the menu that would allow me to say, “Execute Order 66”, but to no avail. So Lassic keeps his Clone Troopers and I lose a little more of my dignity. Moving on, it’s time to grind for levels and buy a freaking better sword!
That concludes the first post, hope you guys enjoyed it. I have some major grinding to do. Later this week, Part II: Owl Bears Make Me Cry will be posted. Here’s a preview:
Look, an Owl Bear! Oh, SH!T FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!