(The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of a Wii fangirl that Anthony made up for the purposes of humor and irony. They do not reflect the views of GamerSushi.com. In short: it’s a joke!)
You know, being on top isn’t easy. Having a Nintendo Wii is so rewarding, yet exhausting at the same time. In between my playing the most popular video game system in years, I constantly have to defend myself against attacks from the “hardcore” gamers. These mouth-breathers, so busy bathing in their bloody games full of filth and cursing, seem to think that the Wii is a lesser system than their giant boxes of boredom. I mean, the PS3 is so large and bulky that if a leopard came at me, I could kill it! And I’m an 11-year-old girl!
There are so many great things about the Wii that these hardcore gamers can’t see. By the way, I may be young, but I know “hardcore” is a type of adult entertainment found on the Internet a lot and for most of these people, it’s as close as they are ever getting to a person of the opposite sex. And plus, look at my amazing grammar! You don’t see such good spelling anywhere on those hardcore message boards, do you? See what I did there?
A lot of these people talk about how dumbed-down Wii games are. What a joke! “Super Smash Bros Brawl is so easy! Just hit ‘A’ to win!” Well, Smarty-Pants, try it. Hit “A” over and over and see what happens. Super Smash Bros Brawl is a game of intricate strategy. You have to do more than hit “A”. Often, I have to jump to get items, dodge attacks and mash ALL the buttons in order to win! And even that doesn’t always work. So if you are having problems winning at this game, maybe you aren’t as hardcore as you think you are, tee hee.
The other game they like to cry about is Mario Kart Wii. They use some term called, “Rubber-band AI”, which means the game actually tries to help the people losing. What’s so wrong about that? When I first played, I beat my big brother 3 times in a row! I made an amazing comeback by getting Blue Shells, Bullet Bill and a TON of Mushroom Turbo Boosts! I went from 12th place to 1st in half a lap! He was so mad and he said a lot of very bad words about Nintendo. So you see, that’s why I think rubber-band AI is so good because my big brother needs all the help he can get!
Another thing they don’t like are Friend Codes. But Friend Codes are made for pretty little girls like me! They protect me from all the evil guys I see on “To Catch A Predator” and that hang out at my bus stop offering me candy. So now, those guys can’t get to me online when I want to make Miis of myself and all my friends! Plus, even the non-creepy guys always want to talk to me and they like to curse when my brother plays Halo, so I am glad I don’t have to deal with them. Nintendo seems to think that everyone online is a pervert, so who needs them?I have real friends in the real world, I don’t want friends online. That’s what WebKinz and Myspace are for!
So for all those hardcore gamers out there that seem to hate on the Wii and us younger gamers who have fallen in love with it, I would like to say one thing: get a life! Just because you have great graphics, diverse gameplay, accessible online gaming and lots of games who’s favorite color is brown, doesn’t mean that you have it all. I have the Wii and when Nintendo releases the Wii 2 in a year or so, with graphics that are slightly better and a touch screen you can stick over your TV screen and play DS games on, you will be even more jealous than you are now!