GameCop Vs LameCop #5

GameCop vs. LameCop is a feature where Anthony and I argue about video game issues, playing the role of either the GameCop or the LameCop as we do so. We switch roles each time. The GameCop has your best interests as gamers at heart, while the LameCop is just what he sounds like: a total loser.

This week, we tackle several issues including GTA IV’s DLC dong, Resident Evil 5 and the problem with reviewing video games too early.


Issue 1

GTA IV DLC The Lost and Damned has a bit of an old man dong shown during in a cutscene. Attention whoring or legitimate expression of art?


GameCop: Anthony

Well, well. Rockstar seems to have learned their lesson from Hot Coffee.

And that lesson was don’t HIDE the nudity and offensive stuff for some hacker to find, but lay it out there for everyone to see. Clearly, they have been watching a lot of Dr. Phil because they have decided to own this. I am no prude at all, but I really don’t see the need for this. Male nudity can be funny (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), it can be artistic (Statue of David) and it can be stupid (anyone who takes a pic of their junk on a cell phone).

Lost and the Damned falls right in the stupid and not needed. It’s not funny, its kinda weird to see it and highly unsettling. GTA hasn’t even shown uncovered boobs yet and they jump right to the Full Monty? Rockstar is clearly happy Jack Thompson is not around, but these kinds of things only serve to create the NEXT Jack Thompson.

LameCop: Eddy

Great, I’ll bet you’re friends with Roger Ebert because neither of you bums recognize ART when you see it! Listen, expression in video games isn’t just limited to the subtle textures found on rotting zombie flesh or the normal mapping of space marine armor, it can also be found in polygonal old man pork and beans.

If you can’t recognize art and creativity when it slaps you with a faceful of flacid wang, then buddy, I can’t help you. Rockstar are true visionaries, boldly taking us forward into the land of hoes and naked bros, and I for one am along for the full ride. See you in academia, halfwits!

Issue 2

Resident Evil 5 will be here any day now, but there are some gamers out there bashing the game’s controls and its apparent lack of play time (some rumors have it clocking in at under 9 hours). Fair/foul?


GameCop: Eddy

Personally, I think it’s all fair to speculate at the moment. I mean, obviously, it’s too early to be freaking out about things like the game’s play time. However, if it really is that length, then Japanese developers continually show that they’re the weakest link in the gaming industry right now. I mean, for real, why does it take 4 or 5 years to come out with sequels when western devs can crank them out every 2-3 years?

Likewise, in regards to the controls, I understand that Capcom wants people to feel frustrated and scared and helpless… But is frustrated the way you really want your gamers to feel? There were rumors going around that MGS 2 was designed to intentionally make gamers feel frustrated and lonely when playing as Raiden, because it tied in with the game’s themes that no amount of VR simulation (in the player’s case, playing as Snake) can train you for the real thing. It was only when Raiden picked up his sword and became who he was supposed to be that he (and the gamer) enjoyed what was happening.

What a crock. It’s a next-gen game. Next gen controls, please?

LameCop: Anthony

What are you saying, Japanese people are slow or something? Western devs can crap out yearly sequels, sure, but at a diminishing quality with each one. Prince of Persia, Tony Hawk, Madden…oh and let’s not forget that Halo 3’s final level is basically an HD version of the final level in the first Halo! Way to be original there!

As for Resident Evil, the game is survival horror. Everyone is acting like it’s a big action game, but it’s not. You are given controls that aren’t really fluid in order to raise the tension. And I was mighty tense when that chainsaw guy came out and I forgot how to run! Sure, being able to run AND shoot would be more realistic, but hello! Zombies, Albert Wesker and the master of unlocking…this is Resident Evil and you take the good with the bad.

On a different note, Capcom chose the hardest freaking levels to put in a demo I have ever seen. Nothing like learning on the fly while a zombie chews on your coccyx.

Issue 3

Many video game publications run reviews of games that they’ve only partially played, or in some cases, barely played at all. Isn’t this bad for gamers?


GameCop: Anthony

I think this issue needs to be looked at carefully. A game like Fallout 3, which can completed, but not to 100% completion, can be reviewed without doing everything you need. Same with many RPGs. But with shorter games, I think they should be beaten, if possible. Maybe the person reviewing the game is not good at that one and can’t beat it. He or she can still render a judgment as to the quality of the game.

Honestly, I really don’t think you need to beat a game to be able to judge its worth, but since they are reviewing games so we the consumer don’t waste our precious rupees on a piece of crap, I think they should at least be able to tell us if there are sudden shifts in the game halfway through, how long the game is and whether it is repetitive or not. You can say that Prince of Persia is a huge game, but since all you will be doing is collecting light seeds…that’s the kind of information I would like to have before making a purchase.

LameCop: Eddy

Pfffft. Whatever, Anthony. Sure, you can talk about your new-age mumbo jumbo like “rendering judgments” or “careful consideration”, but since when do we as gamers care about that? When I read a review, I want it to be a part of the unstoppable locomotive known as the HYPE TRAIN, baby! Not even Superman can slow down the kind of momentum an overhyped game gets after receiving a 9.5 or higher on the tard-o-scale of most gaming sites.

I don’t care if someone’s even played a few minutes of the game, I want to see reviews that match up to what we all know the game is supposed to get anyway. Killzone 2 has laggy controls? Who cares? Not me! 10/10! Metal Gear Solid 4 isn’t a game by the end of it? As if! 10/10! Halo 3’s Cortana level is god awful and the campaign isn’t nearly as epic as promised? Fuhgetaboutit! 10/10!

To me, this is the way all games should be graded, right up front. I mean, I don’t have time to read 3 pages of text, so why should a reviewer play a 15 hour game? Quit being a slave driver, people.


Now that you’ve seen the GameCop vs LameCop stance, what are your thoughts on these issues?

Written by

I write about samurai girls and space marines. Writer for Smooth Few Films. Rooster Teeth Freelancer. Author of Red vs. Blue, The Ultimate Fan Guide, out NOW!

12 thoughts on “GameCop Vs LameCop #5”

  1. To Issue 1, no comment…2, it’s a game. That said, the devs can do what they want with it – be glad you can shoot at all. I sure as heck wouldn’t get the game, but to each his own – if the survival horror crowd likes it, let ’em. And for issue 3, I go by hearsay when deciding to buy a game or not, rather than “professional” reviews. Some people say that reviewers are bribed, but those are mostly rabid fanboys upset about their game getting a 7 – I say reviewers are just inherently biased.

  2. The Lame Cop was especially lame this time. Urine in the coffee? Good stuff, though.

    Issue 1: Grow up. We’ve been seeing dongs all our lives whether we want to or not. People need to let go of the extreme prudishness that has gripped our society.

    Issue 2: Evolve or die. It’s been a simple mantra throughout time, and there’s no reason that it shouldn’t apply to video games. RE5 will sell like hot cakes because of the brand, but Japanese developers need to take a long hard look at their business plans over the next few years as the industry continues to be dominated by western companies. Also, RE5’s producer has said that the controls are getting over-hauled for the inevitable RE6.

    Issue 3: I’d prefer that a reviewer plays a game all the way through, just in case it tanks at the end, or something. There are exceptions to the rule, like the X-Blades review on 1up, where the reviewer stated in the text of the review that he hadn’t finished the game yet as it is so bad. But, for tent pole titles like Killzone 2, Halo 3 and Metal Gear 4, I’d prefer it to read a review of the final, gold copy that will be sold to us, the salivating masses.

  3. I feel like I’m alone when people talk about RE5’s controls, personally I like them and enjoy standing firm while the zombies get closer and closer, adds to the tension and you have to play smarter. I understand though, people like the controls they have now and its not likely that they’ll change their minds. As for reviews… reviews drive me crazy, for games I know I’m going to get I honestly dont want to read a review and tell myself I wont…but I do. When I read a review theyll say something bad I wouldnt realize while playing and now I notice and the game will get dropped down a peg. Anyway lol, I think its impossible to judge the “fun factor” of a game, everyones different and I take reviews for what they are, so one else’s opinion. Except for GamerSushi’s reviews of course… dey be da shizznit

  4. Love this stuff, Gamersushi guys. Keep it up! Keep them bitches comin’.
    Player: YAAAAAY BICTHSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!11111eleven

    (Leet World joke ftw)


    1. Check out’s Inside Gaming ep.1. It is funny when they talk about men’s genitalia, and pretty sums up my point-of-view. Sorta. Honestly, I don’t care about nudity. It’s the same as online porn, and unless you’re going to take that off the web, you can’t point fingers at video games. Hell, point fingers at MOVIES! Just about every movie that’s PG-13 or higher has a sex scene or two or a hundred (like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and all the other movies that director has made), and usually they’re fairly explicit! Sex involves all mediums, and I say gratuity is, well, gratuitous! If I want to get sexual pleasure, I’ll watch/read porn, not sit with family and friends in a movie theater and watch it, awkwardly trying to suppress my…never mind.

    2. I’m not going to play RE5, so I don’t have much to say other than “Fanboy War Alert! Bring us to Defcon 9001!”

    3. Wow. That review was horrible. Why the hell would you take somebody who doesn’t like the series (It’s not that he’s neutral – if you don’t like Halo a little, you hate it. Sorry, but that’s how it works.) and then give him the game for an hour and see how he couldn’t get the selection down (which I found was fluid and flexible) and just – GAAAH!!!
    But then there’s hype, and it’s basically what happened with Killzone 2, MGS4, and just about every other game done by a company other than Valve, Infinity Ward, and those elite companies in de_Biz.

  5. Killzone’s 2 controls aren’t sluggish, they are just different than Call of Duty 4. Which apparently, is a big no no.

    I did replay the Resident Evil 5 demo today and holy crap, did I really like it this time.

    I was all set to buy it, until I played the demo and then I changed my mind.

    I gave it another shot today, tried all the control schemes and now I remember why I loved RE4 so much. A must have for me.

  6. About ’em japanese dev’s. Well, to make everything perfect, you have to check everything before it hits the market. This takes time. It is just usual. And 9 hours of gameplay is enough. Valve didn’t hesitate with the source and hl2. And look at that- 56 hours of gameplay, but it still was considered the best game ever made. How ’bout that SHIT ?

    About ’em reporters ‘n other people. Well, any kind of informative media that is open to the public is getting worse at the moment. Maybe it is the world economic’s crisis, or whatever, but it is happening all over the place, at least that’s from my point of view. The press, TV shows, websites- they all are getting worse today. And I think they get more careless with what they are posting. When I look at some of the recent posts at some local website, it looks like there is no quality control at all. Just some plain BS. Looks like people are just wanting to get money, instead of spreading information across the public.

    About the gta IV. I don’t give a fu&k.

  7. I’ll echo Anthony by saying that KZ2’s controls are not sluggish. Take it from someone who’s comlpeted it: They suit the game perfectly and are just as Good as COD’s. Different, but in a good way. The feel more weighty, like you’re controling a person rather than a floating camera (a la COD or Halo).

  8. Just a reminder that GameCop and LameCop are characters, Nevertell. The confrontational comments are unnecessary, unless I’m just reading what you’re posting wrong.

  9. Don’t worry Eddy, I’ve been frequenting the site long enough to know about how GCvsLC works 🙂 . It was just everyone else had voiced my opinion in one way or another! I just thought I’d take the opportunity to point out that the controls work as they’re a common criticism just because (as Andy mentioned) they’re different. WTF? Right?

  10. [quote comment=”4939″]I feel like I’m alone when people talk about RE5’s controls, personally I like them and enjoy standing firm while the zombies get closer and closer, adds to the tension and you have to play smarter. I understand though, people like the controls they have now and its not likely that they’ll change their minds.[/quote]
    I agree. I actually really like RE5’s controls (I used control setup 1 or whatever the one based off of RE4 was called). I don’t quite understand why so many people complain about them. They didn’t complain when RE4 came out. At least not to my understanding. What’s wrong with them now?

  11. You guys are hilarious. Uhm

    1.Uh, I don’t really care. Of course I’ll feel weird. Of course I’ll make a face and turn away. & probably a play later look at it and laugh about how small he is or something. Maybe show it to my girlfriend. I dunno. But I say, all power to em! Male dong it is. BUT! I do feel like there should have been SOME kind of warning. Especially since we haven’t seen boobies. =/

    2.Eh. I actually feel like the controls should have been improved. As long as it’s a good game with replay value, I don’t mind the gaming time. Maybe not running and shooting, but at least walking? Moving really slowly? Curving around walls at the touch of a button GAW style? I dunno.

    3.Definitely agree with Mr. GamerCop here. I think I’ve said before some time ago, reviews are bullshat. with a capital B-U-L-L-S-H-A-T. I don’t put my trust in any reviews. From anyone. I may read & say “oh well this may be true” or “oh this is probably true” but I never cross off a game because of a review. Or play one because of a review. GTA4 was amazing to me. Amazing because I was one of the narbs that just cheated through the game. Trust me, If I actually had to worry about my health half the time I was doing crazy shat during missions, I wouldn’t have played it through for a while. & it definitely would have gotten a little old, but I would have gotten used to it.

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