As those experienced in the realm of nerdery, we gamers know what it is like to be social outcasts more often than not. We understand that there are certain codes, unwritten rules to being a part of circles, and what must be done to infiltrate them.
The same is true of the gaming community, perhaps more so than other clubs. To keep our hardcore gaming membership card secure in our wallets, there are certain appearances we must uphold in order to earn the respect of the gaming community at large.
Thus, I have started a handy guide (this is merely volume 1) on those shameful things that you must under ALL circumstances keep to yourself. Doing so would be the equivalent to painting a big scarlet letter across your Internet handles. Also, you will earn many -1’s to geek street cred, and we wouldn’t want that. Not all of these are true about me, necessarily, but um, a few of them are to be sure. Oh, wait. Damn.
FYI: Just in case you’re inclined to believe everything you read on the intertubes, this list is satirical. That means it’s just jokes, people. This list is making fun of gamers who crucify other gamers who aren’t like them.
7 Things a Hardcore Gamer Should Never Admit
I Play Wii Sports by Myself.
Sure, Wii Sports is great if you live in a college dorm or you just are used to having people over all the time. But it’s meant to be played with other people, because that’s where it’s most fun. There’s no reason to work on your tennis serve on your own, or practice any kind of wrist-flipping technique for the best bowling lob. But that didn’t stop you, did it?
On second thought, it would be better to not admit that you play this system at all, lest the hardcore vultures circle your swarming E-carcass, waiting for the kill.
A Video Game Character Got Me… Excited.
Who hasn’t tried to sneak a peek at Cortana’s shapely cyber booty before? You know you tried to do it. And I guarantee that once or twice you had little Princess Leia metal bikini fantasies about Bastila. And yes, I get it that listening to the Fable II and GTA IV scenes is just the right amount of naughty, but let’s get real- these are tixel pits, dudes.
However, Mass Effect is acceptable, though. For the side jubbly. Also, dreams about Alyx Vance are cool, too.
I Haven’t Played a PC Title Since Doom.
Everyone knows that PC was the junk back in the day. Heck, modern consoles now are just tapping into what made PC games so great in their heyday- online multiplayer, imaginative concepts, great graphics, etc.
But we’re all supposed to recognize that PC gaming is for the uber hardcore, so we have to at least pretend that we’re somewhat involved in the PC gaming world. How else can we talk about how PC gaming is dying or make fun of Crysis without having played it?
My Favorite Mario Game is Mario is Missing.
What? Mario is Missing made you use your brain, not your thumbs. And this was before the Internet, so there was no Wikipedia or Google to get those answers! Anyone can jump on a turtle moving so slow it looks like its recovering from a stroke, but it takes a hardcore player to know why the Transamerica Pyramid is earthquake proof! (Because of its concrete base, noob!)
But seriously though, this would be like committing video game community suicide. If you really want to say a Mario was your favorite, stick with the original, or Super Mario Bros. 3. Remember: the older the game, the more street cred.
I Don’t Know the Konami Code.
This one might get your retro gamer card (not your XBL one, your general one, fool) revoked. Go ahead and pull it out of your wallet and cut it to pieces. Even when people don’t know this one, they pretend to, because it helps to validate their opinions on all things concerning retro gaming.
For the record, it’s not actually the “Contra Code” as it appears in various formations in different Konami games. Try it in Gradius III. It’ll be good, I promise.
Final Fantasy 7 is the Best Game of All Time.
If the end of the previous statement is “And I haven’t played Final Fantasy 1-6 and I’m ok with that”, then prepare to get mauled. Nothing stirs the swarthy mass that is FF (or RPG) fanboys like openly declaring your love for Cloud and Aeris and their grand struggle against Sephiroth and whatever he was doing with alien moms and Ancients and big evil corporations named Sony, er, Shinra.
Unless you have fought Kefka or watched Cyan cry out for his family or participated in some goofy opera, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about Final Fantasy 7, apparently. I don’t get it but them’s the rules.
I Used a FAQ.
For some reason, viewing a FAQ or a strategy guide is like admitting to having some kind of disease in the gaming world. We like to beat our games straight up, with no assistance from anyone.
I must admit, I used to be of this same mindset, until I stopped having free time. The thing is, many of us hardcore gamers look at FAQs and strategy guides, we just lie through our teeth about it. I don’t have time to put up with a 2 hour dungeon, thank you very much. And I’ll be damned if some tonberry stabs me to death without me having been warned how to stop it.
There you have it. Stick by these, and you should stay involved in gaming culture just a little bit longer. More to come!
By the way, how many of these things are true for you guys? This is a safe place, so confess away.