The Gaming Fortune Teller

Welcome to a new GamerSushi feature wherein Anthony and I interview The Gaming Fortune Teller, the world’s most famous gaming prophet. He is blessed with the uncanny ability to predict gaming events before they happen. He even called the fall of the Virtual Boy, and we all know that came out of left field.

So without further ado, I present to you our recent sit-down with the Fortune Teller, who only appears once in a lunar cycle, coincidentally. Something about vaccinations. We asked him some of our more pressing questions concerning our favorite pasttime, video games.

GamerSushi: O wise Fortune Teller: Will Bungie’s next project after Halo go to the PS3 as well as the Xbox 360?

Ah, foolish little noobs, you beseech me with questions of console loyalty, when the universe beckons me with queries of the eight (yes, eight!) senses. Such matters are simple when you possess my superior cognitive abilities. But lo! I see more in Bungie’s future than merely Microsoft. No, the next Bungie game will be one of the maiden titles of the next Microsoft console, as well as the black behemoth’s successor.

GS:You mean the PS4, then?

Bah! Such simplistic questions bore my wandering soul. Surely you seek to do more and travel to the beyond with the Gaming Fortune Teller!

GS: Uh, right. Fortune Teller, in your humble wisdom, answer our query: Will music games ever stick with DLC instead of full priced sequels?

The future is murky…wait! The warrens open and the cosmos are telling me…music games, melodious as they are to so many of the masses, have a hidden sound, heard only by the game’s makers. It is the music of the universe and in it lies your answer…listen closely…you can hear it now:


Sadly, no. DLC, though always impressive to this Prophet, does not generate enough Profit as a sequel.

GS: Great and mighty Fortune Teller… Will the next generation be dominated by motion control?

Ah, the titan of motion control marches forward like some great colossus, ready to destroy all fun in its path. Yes, I see the doom of gaming as we have known and loved, and the rise of more motion controllers, though not quite to the extent of the Nintendo Wii. Doom, doom I say! The mighty trinity of gaming will seek to capitalize on Nintendo’s fortunes, and turn foolishly towards casual gaming. They have overlooked one thing, however- why would a casual gamer seek a new console every few years?

GS: Most noble Seer: Will Nintendo ever recapture the hardcore gamer?

Oh, foolish child! Turn that yellowed page, stained with Wii-success, for never again shall the hardest of the hardcore be satisfied with the Plumber! Despite all they may protest, Nintendo is now the domain of the soccer mom and the grandparent and the young child. Remember fondly the past joys it brought you, but turn away before it’s too late! So sayeth, I, Most Holy Wise Profit. Er, Prophet.

GS: O intelligent divinator, will any of the new holiday releases fall flat?

Zounds! I have seen into the depths of despair, and thus do I know that not every game will contain the riches that you seek. It has come to me in the way of a plant-induced dream that The Last Remnant will fail. Square, oh mighty Square, you have lost thy touch! And while I’m at it, here’s a freebie: Final Fantasy XIII will suck balls. Ballllllllllllls.

GS: Why are you waving your hands around like that?

I’m supposed to disappear. Oh well. I grow weary of your inquisitories! Better luck next time. I must away for my vision is blurring and I must rest. Return again soon for more answers!


So what do you guys think? Feel free to do some fortune telling of your own.

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I write about samurai girls and space marines. Writer for Smooth Few Films. Rooster Teeth Freelancer. Author of Red vs. Blue, The Ultimate Fan Guide, out NOW!

9 thoughts on “The Gaming Fortune Teller”

  1. Final Fantasy XIII will suck balls. Ballllllllllllls.

    Oh, man, that made me laugh so hard. The Prophet spends the first bit of the article loquaciously spouting his florid prose…Then he drops this comedic bombshell. Good stuff!

  2. You…I mean the great and wise Gaming Fortune Teller makes some good points. I can definitely see that Motion Control might try and sieze the gaming market. Although, I don’t think that our future will be THAT dismal. I at least HOPE for someone to realize that it’s the hardcore who buy games and get you profit.

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